Monday this week, a former fling went all the way here to CamSur to visit me. But this is not where everything started. This is just the point when things could have ended differently for all of us.

Fast forward to the time when his most recent love interest, who happened to be one of my closest friends, braved the 8-hour bus ride so he could come over and win him back - from me.

The whole day he was here was all a blur to me. I did not let myself feel anything at all. I just went with all the motions, letting the world turn on its own, just becoming a passive observer. This whole fiasco did not end good for my friend - he went home alone and more distraught than the first time. My former fling and current flame, the object of his self-destructive love, did not give him any chance - never even spoke to him.

This whole time, I was also experiencing random flashes, episodes of overwhelming pain in my chest. But each time only lasts for a minute, give and take a few seconds. I know something is wrong but I didn't want to face it yet.

So all was well, with my current flame and I, until what everything unsaid was brought out in the open. There was no excuse left for any of us. He left.

All the time, I was thinking it's only a matter of time and the deceit and all the bottled emotions we kept hidden from each other and even from ourselves have to be brought to life. He couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it.

And I may not have Angina pectoris, which I think would be scary and very life-threatening, I discovered I have GERD - Gastroesopheagal Reflux Disease. And it was only a matter of time that my lifestyle would catch up on me.

Now I am thinking, what else lies ahead for me?

I'm scared.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Currently, the two of them are back together. All I can say is Best Wishes to the two of you. My second time to figure in your worlds would hopefully bring the two of you closer than ever.

And I can't have coffee.

In no particular order...

1. Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill Album
2. Flat and full pillows
3. The color Green
4. Rogue of X-Men
5. Sci-Fi Series: Startrek, Mutant X, 4400, Heroes, Kyle XY, Eureka, etc.
6. Discovering good music with the Shuffle function
7. Fairy Tales
8. Big and chunky cellphones
9. Bags
10. Floor native lamps (I have two, now)

11. Marlboro Reds
12. Comedy movies that made me cry (Mamma Mia, Click)
13. the singing voice of David Archuleta
14. Kiki - my blue fighting fish
15. the Earthlink pen I got from Trainer Sonny
16. UNICEF and what it stands for
17. Venice
18. the lone Coconut tree at the UP Sunken Garden
19. DCNHS' The Singing Teens
20. White tee shirt

21. the number 10
22. Monarchies of the world
23. Misterhubs
24. Harry Potter
25. My Dunhill clutch
26. Lightscribe technology
27. long hot showers
28. taking candid pictures
29. my Cherfer Team
30. the Milk lotion bottle of Human (not being sold anymore)

31. the rains
32. Manila bay
33. Spaghetti
34. reunions with EX's
35. sleeping
36. opening gifts
37. Harry Potter slash/fan fiction
38. Macadamia nuts
39. Scented oils
40. white tank tops

41. Century tuna
42. Yahoo Messenger
43. notebooks
44. Brown and black pinstripe pants
45. my white Visor
46. dirty ice cream
47. porn
48. liquid soaps
49. showbiz news
50. mutual funds

51. John Irving
52. my high school play microscope with slides and up to 10x lenses!
53. the Japanese language
54. blogs
55. coffee
56. warm and crisp blankets
57. the MRT
58. SGS Cam Sur site
59. cute, baby-faced men
60. Black boots

61. love stories
62. my mommy
63. reading in-flight magazines and newspapers
64. the Podium
65. Basti's Brew
66. Studio 23
67. snowballing - thanks Carlo!
68. Whitney Houston
69. 69

My officemates and I are looking for a girl friday.

Personally, I need one soon. Whenever I get home, my dishes in the sink greet me. I go to my unmade bed and I feel the dusty drapes shouting at me.

I need one. Badly.

Moki - A birthday Gift from Eric of Mocha Blends; my blue stuffed bear; name given by KM
Titi - my blue fighting fish; lone survivor of the Aquarium of Hell
Kiki and Fifi - my two dead fishes; gifts from Patty; gold, orange and white bubble-head

Blue - my lappie
Slim - my portable dvd
Green - my Samsung mp3
Jabra - my bluetooth headset
Reds - my two other useless phones; my smokes
Maroon - my footstool

Cherfer - the best Lycans (ahehehe)
Lycans - earthlings that roam Naga

371 days (approx) - tenure in my current company
230 days (approx) - time since I first set foot in Naga
196 days (approx) - tenure in my current position

4 - number of times I was in Lieu Leave
1 - number of times I used VL credits
32.5 - number of remaining VL and SL credits

3 - number of fishes in my aquarium the first time
1 - number of fishes left swimming today
5 - number of days since I last replaced the aquarium water

3 - number of cellphones in my dresser
1 - number of phones in use
4,000 - outstanding balance due on my Globe bill

202 - amount of credits left in my Smart prepaid
7 - days since I topped up 300 credits
25 - the ever smart number of credits for Unlitext

3 - number of constant Uzzap buddies at present
2 - number of Uzzap buddies I personally know
1 - unknown Uzzap buddy

5 - number of pillows on my bed
1.5 - number of persons who fit in my bed
3 - number of persons on my bed, presently

Weeks before my birthday, I was racking my brain for the best (and cheapest) way to celebrate. I couldn't come up with a plan, my fast dwindling resources not helping a bit.

I never counted on a lifeline but like all unexpected things, there it was at the last minute!

At the office, my head was swimming with doubts whether I am really cut out for the work I have now. Even up to this point, when attrition in my team is as constant as the metric outliers I have, I am still burdened by this popoisonous feeling of inadequacy.

But I digress.

So, on that fateful night of January 9, my head snapped and it seemed my mood went 360 - I decided to be happy.

The day before, Patty and I decided to go to Mocha Blends straight after work for another laptop&coffee session. With the sudden change of mood, my hand groped for the marker and  started writing on the office whiteboard "Team Cherfer Brunch at Mocha Blends" before my mind caught up and decided to stop them.

We had four Meals to Share, a set meal of pasta, different types of bread, fries and coffee and hot cocoa, which definitely gave my wallet a sigh of relief. I had too much fun opening gifts I got I did not notice my agents talking to Nana and Eric of Mocha blends - they were planning a surprise!

After a couple of hours or so, they all decided to leave, except for Jeff, Pat and Krishna (our RA). I saw them all go and hugged them and thanked them for their gifts, giving a not so soft reminder to those who have not brought me anything (wehehe). Then, Pat, Krish and Jeff all went to the loo. I then understood that this was the time for their surprise. I went to see my agents go out of West Park and wait for their rides home. But at that point, I heard people singing Happy Birthday from the back so I looked and saw Pat, Krish, Jeff and Nana running from the 2nd floor singing. And my agents all ran and went back to me singing, as well. I looked back to where Pat and the others came from and saw, among them, Eric holding this huge Blueberry Cheesecake with a single lighted candle and singing Happy Birthday to me, too.

Oh - my - God!

I know, I know. My mind figured all these out before they actually happened. But I am not the one to spoil a surprise, specially if the surprise was for me.

My mind was still reeling hours after all my agents left and only Pat, Krish and I were lounging with our coffees and left-over cake. The night ahead was fast approaching and all three of us didn't have a single hour of rest yet. We all decided to leave and sleep, with standing invitations to both Nana and Eric for dinner that night with my Manager.

At home, I met with one of my backstreet guys (this is another story) and he decided to tag along for my birthday dinner. The night was so chilly my teeth chatter as we laugh ourselves out talking about the office comic relief (this definitely deserved a story of its own).

A week has passed, and the high never leaves. I still received random gifts from people in the office and this has brought me out of self-destructing insecurities in my job.

My birthday this year is definitely one for keeps. I may be away from my family but I don't have to go far to be home. Unconsciously, I have created one for myself here.

From a very unexpected text message, I finally got up and decided to go to the office 8 hours before my shift. I couldn't stand the thought of spending New Year's on my own. So with four hours of sleep, I greased my hair up, use the shirt I bought for the company's Christmas Party and went to work

I had several things in mind, coming to work that early. I wanted to send a running stats report, which I did. I also brought along my lappie to while away the time, waiting for my shift.

I stayed over at the Mansion, with a Monte Carlo sandwich, updating profiles. My sisters in Germany were online, too and so was my aunt; so we webcammed and a few minutes later, my mom and my family back in Davao went online as well.

I had two simultaneous webcams going on and it was fun just fitting the windows on the small screen.

A few more minutes and our very own Fireworks display and countdown began.

Then it was New Year!

What's your story?

It was very fortunate that I went to Mocha Blends one time with some of my team and one of them knows the Marketing Officer who in that few minutes we were introduced, did not waste time in talking about a possible party they can host for us.


And after several more visits, texts and calls, we had our Team Cherfer Party at Mocha Blends on December 21st. Contrary to what most people in my team would say, this did not happen because of one particular Mocha Blends manager who also happened to belong to the family who owns the whole establishment where Mocha Blends is. 

My manager dropped by, so good of him. We also were with Patty Lou, the QA and Marissa, the Trainer.

All in all, I can say that was the best Christmas Party ever.


What's your christmas story?

I have often joked about this during the lull moments at the office. I've always had this hankering to eavesdrop on Jabber personal messages we use in the office. Not everyone's though but mostly on my cherferlings.

And I have caught several of them!

Part of my responsibilities is monitoring them during their calls and I have access to their screens whenever they take in calls. I always get excited when their Jabber PM windows blink. AHA!

I can't say that some of them have blossomed to full blown in- and outside-the-office relationships but I'm hoping someday there will be a couple out there, somewhere...

Some more snaps I took of these people in blossoming Jabber affairs.

Lately, my team has been languishing in the performance polls and my SME Karen (The Princess) has this brilliant idea of mini-teams and competition. She has observed that most of my team memers are very competitive and they'd never balk on a chance to outdo someone else (then why are so poor in ratings, this I have to digress).

So, we now have mini teams: Karen and Irvin. And my mini team won.

As punishment to mini-team Karen, we had a post Christmas pizza party at Shakey's (It's still Christmas everywhere)...

And from the looks of things, miniteam Irvin will win again next week.

I had a funny recollection last night.

When I was young, I used to think that showbiz stars are people who came from a single line of gene pool. They are so named because they embody star-like qualities - our very own human stars in a world of human constellations.

These thoughts crossed my mind because while having coffee at Mocha Blends, talking to the Marketing Officer about holding my team's christmas party, one of my charges mentioned that the manager was a model for Mossimo.

He did look like a star.

To seal the deal, I asked this lady marketing officer if the manager can pose as our very own Santa Claus! And guess who Mrs. Claus would be?

Later on, I was accosted by one of my team's support people who brought along a local magazine show host. He's this young soon-to-be-hunk that we often see on TV these days.

Of course, I had several pictures taken.

A night out with stars...

Although I no longer believe they are essentially of a different race than most normal people, I still feel a little star-struck. I can't wait to be Mrs. Claus!

In a few days, I will be one year old in my present company... And I am currently celebrating this feat with my baby lappie...



Just soaking the mushrooming coffee-wifi spots all over metro Naga with nothing really important to do.

Critics have found Maya Angelou's (Marguerite Johnson) narrative in the book I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings running along two traditional themes of autobiography: the triumph over obstacles and the search for identity. The story tells about the young Maya growing up with the stigma of being abandoned by her mother, rejected by the society and subsequently her own feelings of inadequacy. It is shown that she rises above adversity by transcending the tripartite crossfire of masculine prejudice, white illogical hate and the black lack of power. This, I believe, was the main selling point of the novel.

People in all walks of life can identify themselves with the story. However removed we are from the racial prejudices in the West and the stigma these injustices bring, we Filipinos can still see parallels in our society. Early on in our lives, society has challenged us to be inventive in our ways (with food and even power shortages being part of Pinoy life) and develop coping mechanisms like our self-deprecating humor and an amazing supply of empathy bringing forth our sense of hospitality and friendliness even in times of want.

Growing up in hard-pressed areas, the majority of Pinoys also learn that it takes not just diligence to take on life but a surprising sprinkling of luck from the Stars. We are constantly surprised by suddenly successful people (read: nouveau riche) and immediately assume sinuwerte, baka nanalo sa Lotto. We have been enslaved by our horoscopes and pamahiins that we know Chinese never give out money on Mondays. Do-re-mi babies are born everywhere trusting that the gods that be have greater plans in the end, holding on to that elusive cloud of hope. We fervently follow our weekly dose of Showbiz balita, drowning ourselves in soap operas and identifying with the incurably helpless and vulnerable bida, expecting a Knight in Shining Armor (or Darna) to rescue her or a last-minute appearance of a deus ex machina to right all the wrongs in the world.

Although Maya's story did not involve any clear lucky happenstance that turned her world around, we Filipinos would know where to find it. Many of us have dedicated our lives to discovering that one lucky break. Many still would describe a life as a long journey, occasionally helped by an unexpected pedicab which just happened to have a fare to where we're going.

Looking back at our history as a people, it's no wonder we are who we are now. It's even being told that Filipinos
behave this way because we have been enshrined in convents for 300 years and brought out to freedom in brothels for 30 years. Our identities are as colorful as a mix of red Spanish Latinos, white Americans, yellow Japanese and inherent brown Asians.

That's why we, as a people, transcend even the face of the tripartite crossfire of poverty, political unrest and plain social indifference. We still triumph over obstacles in the continuing search for our identity. We may not be Maya Angelou but We Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.

The neighbors have videoke.

I googled the whole phrase, What's in a name? and I got the site What's your Japanese Name?

It asked some questions and voila!

Watashi no namae wa

Your Japanese Name Is...

Yukio Hayashi

My mom told me I was born 15 minutes past 5 in the morning after a whole night of labor. In her own words, Mura ko'g mamatay (It felt like I was dying). Can you imagine where all that pain can be channeled to, right after my birth?

My name. See, my first name's JOY. Yes, J-O-Y, down in my heart, deep, deep down in my heart.

She wanted to turn the painful experience around by giving the baby a name as far removed from pain as possible. Don't say painless or anesthesia. She also wanted something beautiful. (Right! Labeling starts from birth. This is worth years of therapy had I turned out straight.)

Well, I guess my name sums up all the beauty in me, nowadays. Hehe. All the beauty in the world reserved for me has been used up on that fateful day on my name. Remember A thing of beauty, is a joy forever? That must have been where she got my name from.

I personally find it funny. Reserving all Freudian meanings, I sometimes feel like my life has been an expounding journey of my name. So what's in a name?

                                                          ################################

I'm harboring all these thoughts as my birthday looms in the horizon. Yes. Looms, as in an imminent or menacing event that's threatening the peace in my world. I have always found birthdays overrated (excluding my 18th birthday when my UP friends surprised me with 18 candles and 18 wishes after I took my bath and was just in a towel - their very thoughtful way of telling me I can have my debut, too).

Back when I was a snotty kid, every birthday was a cause of dread. Everyone had their best celebrations after the holidays. I can still remember my classmates and I comparing notes about what we had for Christmas, telling each other tall tales about how our fireworks and bomba (the Kawayan or bamboo version of a bazooka) are more powerful and louder than the others. And when everything starts to die down, and the new toys were all set aside once again, the news of my birthday is being spread around faster than the Bubonic plague. I always panicked.

Unlike other families, our family celebrations are concentrated unintentionally every December. I have two brothers (I'm the middle child, the unica hija) and their birthdays are four days apart, the 5th and the 9th. My parents also celebrate their wedding anniversaries (they wed twice) on the 15th and the 20th. Of course, there's Christmas and New Year. You know what's next - my birthday.

Just when people feel that they somehow have overspent for the holidays and start to scrimp on things that they need to buy, my birthday comes near. This is especially true in our family. After 6 independent celebrations warranting at least a simple feast, my birthday always feels wanting.

I remember one birthday I had, I guess I was 9, one girl friend of mine offered to make me a simple Pineapple Upside-down cake. If not for that delightful gift, I wouldn't have had a birthday cake that year.
The same thing goes every year after that. When I was in college at UP, thousands of miles away from home, my mom sent me a gift check so I can get several dozens of donuts for my friends. I wanted to die!

I have always cried on my birthday. Not just because we never seemed to have enough, but even when I was already working and earning my own money, I couldn't shake out the heavy feeling I seem to carry every year.

Is it just me or is this normal?

All the small things seem to get unnaturally complicated. I remember one time when a friend forgot to greet me (I haven't thought of inviting this friend out, by the way) and we bumped into each other doing errands somewhere. My friend and I were talking and five minutes into our conversation, I felt sure he doesn't have an inkling about what a special day it was! I gave him a quick excuse and left. Several days after, I made sure he never forgets my birthday again.

I'm not normally this bratty but it seems like my birthday brings out my inner bitch. Which brings me to my birthday this year. Now that I'm back home and most of my friends have gone on their lives without me in their daily orbits, my annual emotional nadir is fast approaching. Looking deep into myself, I find that I personally do not feel overly excited about birthdays - they seem to happen at least once every year anyway, but the thought that even if I wanted to have the party of year, or my parent(s) finally decide to give ME the most lavish celebration I can think of, it remains wishful thinking.

Honestly, it's not a big deal. It's just my birthday.

I'm crying again.

I am my worst enemy.

Time and again, I’ve had these bouts of insecurity and consequentially suffer from sporadic fits of depression. I say it is envy - pure, green and puerile envy.

In worst cases, I’d grit my teeth and pull out my hair in dire frustration. I’d lash out to all people, family and friends, and would intentionally annoy them. I’d go berserk with bitterness and self-pity. And through all these, I’d feel none the better. I’d feel worse and painfully bear my moods.

I can’t say when this has started. More and more I think it is a part of me, like a growing tumor that slowly kills all the living matter in its surrounds. With every attack, my reaction grows much worse and more fatal than the last. From short breaks, I could see that I become more lethargic and that I freely surrender. And the instinct to fight back, the basic instinct to survive, wanes.

I fear for the time that I’d not only become cynic, but grow to be misanthropic - that to trust my feelings, my life, to another person would only be suicide. I am wary of the time, that the notion of human goodness and sincerity becomes only one of the things parents teach to children and that are actually irrelevant to the real world. I fear that I’d at last harbor an ill-feeling and deep-seated hatred towards all mankind, and I’d only see ulterior motives and selfish actions behind supposedly good deeds. And the term good deeds become an oxymoron and a mockery of sorts.

But they say, as a person grows older, he transcends his juvenile idealism and that from it, he rather sees the disillusionment, jaded from hurtful experiences of the past.

However, a flicker hope still lingers.

I know I am hurting, and I am the sole reason behind this pain. I thrust the knife into my own heart, impaling myself and draining all there is that’s hopeful.

And I can not, for every good that’s left on earth, allow this pain to poison my being and lord over my body as one does with a minion or a slave. As I see my life slowly being drained out of me, I must fight back and learn to hold onto the littlest that’s dear to my heart.

I still have a heart, yes. Although a part of it seems irreparably decaying, I know I have to believe. I’d fight for this battle headstrong, and win it – all of it.

I may be my worst enemy but I’m also my greatest savior.



###############
I am presently envious of my friend and his ever gorgeous boyfriend. Their presence constantly reminds me of my non-existent lovelife. Grrr.

###############

Personal Thoughts : My Enemy, My Savior
Contributed by irvin (Edited by amplifier)
Wednesday, September 24, 2003 @ 12:20:47 PM